After months and months of pestering I finally agreed to take the drive down to Port Kells (Surrey area) to visit the notorious Sandwich Nazi at La Charcuterie Deli. Hitman’s been there multiple times before and raved of the humor and amount of food you get for less than $10. Less than $8 to be a little more exact. But the trade-off is that you have to succumb to the Nazi’s insults, crude humor, and uninvited visuals. Hitman’s given me a preview to the stuff the Nazi has said during his visits in the past, x-rated and all, and I honestly wasn’t too keen on the uncomfortableness that’s about to ensue.
Turned out it was only a 30 minute drive from our place. It’s located in the middle of an inconspicuous industrial area and if you didn’t plan to come here specifically, you wouldn’t even bat an eye, despite the eye-catching and quite lovely exterior paint job. When we arrived on a weekday afternoon, the parking lot was already almost full.
As we were entering, a couple was just leaving and the lady warned us “Good luck in there~”. Great. Inside we found that there were about 3-4 people ahead of us, with more coming up behind. You could hear the boisterous voice of the Nazi right away. He sounded cheerful actually, and was in the middle of making fun of someone’s age. When he caught sight of us, first thing he said was “I don’t believe in mixed-race marriages. Unless they’re girl-girl, man-man, or girl-girl-man.” Followed with a fit of laughter. Hitman then countered, “Last time I was here, I was with a black guy and STILL you said you didn’t believe in mixed-race marriages!!!”. More laughter. Apparently the way to deal with the Nazi is to join in the banter. That’s why the place is always so loud and lively.
This deli is also a grocery store of sorts selling imported European goods. But I don’t think people come for the grocery much. The main attraction has got to be his personality and ginormous sandwiches.
I had a look around while Hitman stood in line. There were chocolates, frozen goods, dry breads, canned goods, really all sorts of things. And a back room full of similar goods. Prices were ok too. So if you’re into that sort of stuff this could be a good place to stock up. If you dare.
There’s a “menu board” available but really, he’ll just make you whatever he wants to. Your only choice is the type of bread, which are affectionately called “bums” here…”white bum”, “brown bum”, not sure what sourdough is though =P
Basically as he’s adding ingredients, he’ll yell it out and ask if it’s ok with everybody. I wonder if anyone actually ever says “No” to an ingredient…and I wonder what the consequence is.
The guy in front of us was actually pretty nervous, as it became obvious to us. He stammered in his speech when replying; it was kind of funny. He stumbled on his words when replying what type of bread. Also, he came with a buddy, and they ordered one to share, which led the Nazi to comment that he’s a cheap date. When the Nazi heard that we were having 2 sandwiches, he was more impressed.
I think sometimes he also thinks that some of the stuff he’s saying is pretty ridiculous too, because he’ll say something and then he’ll look down, laughing, shaking his head.
At one point, he paused his sandwich making and said he had something to show me. He then flipped over a photo of him in only briefs, hands behind his head, with the caption “Tips for Shalam’s Hair Removal”. Pretty funny stuff. On the topic of tips, Hitman forewarned me that it’s best to leave an even ten for a sandwich or the Nazi may get angry. We gave him $20 for two and he ended up coming around the counter and asking me if I like milk, dark or white…we assumed chocolate (he read my mind since I had been bugging Hitman that I wanted to get some from the shop), and we were right…sort of. I replied that I like dark and he proceeded to lift his shirt and show me his semi-famous big hairy nipples…and then selected a premium dark chocolate bar off a shelf and passed it to me.
So the sandwiches. They were indeed massive. They were the width of my thigh. I decided to do a couple of photos to show its size.
They were at least 2lbs each and were stuffed with roast beef, Italian ham, genoa salami, and regular ham. Large leaves of lettuce, tomatoes, mayo and mustard were also added. That is my hand there.
Here’s Hitman’s hand. We think his was even bigger.
In the end the sandwich lasted me 4 meals. When I took a quarter of it to work, anyone that saw it asked me where the hell I got the sandwich from.
Hitman had the BIG idea (heehee pun intended?) to devour the entire sandwich to show that it can be done. Oh the things we do for our readers! After he was done (only took him about an hour??), he laid on the couch and groaned. In the exact pose above but without the arm.
The reason why the arm was there, was this:
I informed him that the size of an empty human stomach is about the size of a fist. And your stomach is just below your heart. I had him place his fist there. Then I went on to let him know that now, it is stretched to the size of the sandwich. Or one of my thighs.
He replied, “Nooo…why did you have to tell me that??”
And there you have it folks.
In conclusion: Really good bang for your buck, as you can get a good few meals out of $7.54. Just don’t try to prove anything.